Monday, January 30, 2012

Translating what homophobic people are really saying.

“I don’t hate gay people, some of my best friends are gay.”

Translation: Oh don’t get mad at me, I’m just don’t like gay people.

“I’ll pray for them.”

Translation: See, I hate ‘em!

“It’s obviously a choice.”

Translation: When was the last time I chose to be straight?

“It’s just a phase.”

Translation: My heterosexuality is a phase too, what a coincidence!

“It’s not hate, it’s a fact.”

Translation: I wouldn’t know facts if it bit me in the ass.

“They’re promiscuous, they’re not going to settle down, they’re not capable of long lasting relationship.”

Translation: I just hope that my girlfriend doesn’t know that I slept with 10 women for the past two weeks.

“I don’t think they should be getting married, it’s between one man and one woman, sanctified by God.”

Translation: I wouldn’t know sanctity if my life depended on it and the idea of two guys going at it is gross.

“If we let gay people get married, what’s going to stop people from marrying their dogs?”

Translation: Apparently my dog is perfectly capable of writing a thesis and following the man-made laws.

“Don’t they know that procreation is important, or we would all die out.”

Translation: there are over 7 billion people and lots of them are infertile, child-free, and gay, go figure.

“A real man does not cry.”

Translation: Look, I’m flaunting my masculinity like a peacock!

 “Why do they have to flaunt their gayness? Why can’t they just keep it to themselves?”

Translation: I lack the capacity to comprehend the meaning of fighting for equality and it hurts my masculinity.

“Anal sex is gross! Don’t you know that gay men stick gerbils and baseball bats up their ass! They’ll need surgeries and diapers! They’ll get AIDS!”

Translation: I’m completely obsessed with gay porn that I have no slightest clue what gay people really do in their lives.

“Gay spreads AIDs.”

Translation: I don’t know what AIDs really is, but I’m told by my preacher that only gays get it.

“Why do they have parades? You don’t see any straight parades.”

Translation: I never heard of the Stonewall Riots nor do I understand that gay people have been beaten and discriminated against.

“Why don’t they just marry the opposite sex if they want benefits? They can get married and they do have equal rights. They’re just asking for special rights.”

Translation: Two men together is icky, why don’t they just do what I like because their lives are my business.

“Gay parents are worse than convicts.”

Translation: I never met a single gay parent, so I’m just talking out of my ass.

“Gays are worse than terrorists.”

Translation: I think a man holding hands with another man is more terrifying than a man holding an AK-47.

“Gays don’t make good parents.”

Translation: A good parenting is based on one’s sexuality and homosexuality isn’t it simply because I said so.

“Children will be confused.”

Translation: I never was raised by gay parents, so what the hell do I know what it’s like to be raised by two dads or two moms?

“Bisexuals are confused.”

Translation: I’m confused, you can like people?

“Anal sex is gross and wrong.”

Translation: Gay porn is the best thing I ever had.

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