Monday, January 16, 2012

my bisexuality






I never knew I was bisexual for a long time, even though there had been signs I was interested in both men and women. I will start from the beginning and explain.

When I was little, maybe about 6 or 7 years old, I never really given myself the thought about sexuality. I didn’t have any thought about dating or expressed much feeling towards anyone. I have recalled asking this girl if she liked me. She just scrunches up her face and says, “So-so.” Or with a hand gesture since she cannot speak, she has her hand flat out and moves it like a seesaw. That is how one says “So-so”

I only remembered vague memories of the time in middle school when a boy was calling a girl a lesbian. I never understood what that meant. As I recall it now, I’m guessing he wasn’t being nice. I even remember one time in Middle school I accidently had my foot touch another boy’s leg. He looked at me and was saying, “Are you gay?” Again, I never knew what it even means or why it was such a big deal. Oh and I never liked him, he was a jerk. I’m also certain that he wasn’t asking that in a nice way either, but in a disgusted way as I recalled.

As I was growing up, I recall experimenting a little with boys, but not much on girls. It’s more of just fondling rather than anything else. I’m not even sure if there was anything else. When I was a friend with this girl, I was asked if she was my girlfriend. She wasn’t. I seriously doubted she even liked me that way. I’m pretty sure she’s not my type. I remember her as a girl with high imagination and to be honest, she was telling tall tales and seem to come from a bad family. But I was never sure what it was and maybe I’m just being silly.

I never have given myself a thought about sexuality or how men were supposed to act. I’m more of a shy, quiet, sensitive boy who loves action figures and reading books. Now I just like books. I never thought to myself, “Is this how men were supposed to act?” I was just always myself.  I was never even aware men were supposed to like girls or that men were supposed to ask a girl out or pay for dinner or a movie. I even thought girls could ask boys out too, but it hadn’t happened because “girls aren’t supposed to ask boys out.”

I recall reading a book, “What’s happening to my body, book for boys.” And the talk of sexuality was there. I never gave it much thought because I was too busy looking at the pictures (I was little and curious, give me a break)

I have had crushes on a guy that is a movie star. I even recall liking this actor from the movie “Neverending story” and thought at first he was a girl. I was corrected that he is a guy. Well, he was attractive to me and the fact he was a guy didn’t bother me.

I was not sure if I was a teen yet when this happened, but I recalled one of my brother’s friends sometimes brings porno magazines to my house. I was looking into the magazine. I was never aroused or even feeling at least bit interested. I just flipped through the pages, just never understanding what this was all about. It didn’t traumatize me nor did it made me think I should do things to anyone. I wasn’t even interested in the women of the pictures or the men, probably because I wasn’t sexually active yet.

In case anyone wondered, it hadn’t affected me in ways anti-porn crusaders would think, I was just curious as any human being would.

I only remembered vague memories of the time in middle school when a boy was calling a girl a lesbian. I never understood what that meant. As I recall it now, I’m guessing he wasn’t being nice. I even remember one time in Middle school I accidently had my foot touch another boy’s leg. He looked at me and was saying, “Are you gay?” Again, I never knew what it even means or why it was such a big deal. Oh and I never liked him, he was a jerk. I’m also certain that he wasn’t asking that in a nice way either, but in a disgusted way as I recalled.

Had I developed any feelings for women or men when I reached my teen years? Not really. When I moved to Arizona from Maryland, I was miserable because of the heat, I was miserable because of the high school that treated me as an outcast, I was miserable because my low self-esteem.

I recall being in a wrestling practice when one of the best wrestler in the team smacked me down with his body and pinned me. His hips were on my chest and his knees on my elbows. I never liked him, but for that moment, I felt a bit aroused. Why didn’t I like him? He was a jerk who picked on me many times before.

During that time of the internet, chat rooms were popular and Facebook and Youtube didn’t exist yet. I recalled trying to see if I was gay myself, I even remembered talking to people who claim they are gay. What I learned was that they are not bad people, they’re just like everyone else. I even book books that talks about homosexuality such as “How can you tell if someone is gay” “Gay marriage” by Jonathan Rauch, and more. I’ve learned so much about homosexuals, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender people that the hateful bigots seem to look more and more like incoherent cavemen rambling and throwing things madly.

Well, that is how I come to know that I was Bisexual and I’m proud of it. I never told anyone in my family. My younger brother had suspected that I was gay, and was a bit of an ass to me. My parents did ask me if I was gay, I said no. That time, I wasn’t even sure who I was. They asked because I was looking at some sites that are LGBT friendly.

My mom had thought that there’s not many gay people out there in the world (I’m not sure if she still thinks that, but it’s mostly because this is a very homophobic world and a lot of people have either a hard time accepting themselves or just don’t think about their sexuality).

My dad was at first a bit uncomfortable with gay people, but accepts them as they are. One day when I was on the computer, my dad wanted to ask me if I was gay. I told him no, then he tried to explain about HIV. Apparently, he believed that gay men all have anal sex. Not so and I personally do not want anyone to do anything to my butt. Of course, he believes (I agree strongly) that religion and the government should stop sticking their nose into the lives of consenting adults gay, straight, bi, whatever. He even agrees that marriage would not be harmed and that they should be allowed to marry who they love.

I still hadn’t told them to this day, not out of fear, just more of a “mind your own business.”

 One “friend” of mine had been my roommate and I came out Bi to him. He was a little freaked, but he calmed out. I told him I’m not going to do anything to him. He did once tell me that if he had kids and they turn out gay, he would toss them out. I told him that then I would take them in. Nobody else knew who I was. Some students thought I might be gay too, but in a homophobic way. No, I wasn’t bullied for it luckily, but I was picked on for other things like my crooked glasses and my walking (I couldn’t walk straight, no pun intended)

On the internet, I have been to this website long ago that was called “Kiwibox” and I’ve done polls, quizzes, and stories. I even recall doing a quiz about homosexuality, and only one person’s answer sticks to my mind. There have been many but I don’t remember them. This one answered all of my questions with the exact same answer, “Because the Bible said so, Duh!” or it might have been, “Because the bible said it’s wrong, Duh!”

One of the co-worker I’ve worked with in Wal-mart was a catholic and he had believed that God hates gays because of orgies they do. Nothing any of the homophobic people ever provided any reason why homosexuality was wrong.

As we move closer to the year 2000, I’ve learned a lot about LGBT and saw that there wasn’t a logical reason to hate, condemn, or even demonize them. There are still ugly comments online as I recall that were just incoherent ramblings with homophobic slurs or wishing death on gay people. It seem to me that only reasonable, intelligent people are providing logical explanation about LGBT and that there is nothing bad or different about them. The hateful anti-gay bigots just use lies, double standards and slippery slope arguments.

By 2005 to 2011, I worked on writing and trying to talk to people online, trying to see if there really was a reason to be afraid or hateful. I found none. I found hateful people to be rather uneducated and repulsive. It made me think that they lived in caves with no education. I even met some people online like on youtube and facebook who are straight allies who supports equality, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people as well. I learn more and more about them and found the hate to be so ridiculous that now, I choose to write this book in order to help fight against bigotry and lies.

I have not been in a relationship, I’ve tried online dating, but most often I get no response. When I do get a response, it was short lived and they hadn’t replied as if they just vanished into thin air. I’ve been trying to connect with women online dating, and men, yet I get nothing.

I’m almost in my 30’s, and I feel that I hadn’t accomplished much. It’s quite humiliating considering that I’ve never dated, my job’s a joke, and I’m broke. Well, soon, I hope to travel up to California for a change of pace and find something that will break this cycle of repeating year after year of nothing accomplished. All I had was my books, my laptop, and my stories I’m working on.

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